JERSEY Hurling Derby Handball
We Are Now Meeting
Sundays 1 PM
Fox Run Rd
Deptford NJ
[Must be 18 or older]
VISION
The Jersey Derby
Hurling Derby Handball or Jersey Handball if you're from South Jersey is an artisan hybrid sport designed to not have violent contact that causes serious head injuries.
Jersey Handball is a commercial entertainment real estate venture which features a non-travel made for TV league that will employ young adult men in order to save them from the debt traps that plague our young adults.
Our live events will be family friendly. Aside from our minimal cost seating our broadcast will be almost cable access awful in order to add a level of fun not seen in other sports.
Our facilities will be simply a field surrounded by bleachers. Our parking areas will have rental spaces for Gourmet lunch trucks and Barbecue pitmasters. We may even have Microbrewery trailers if the municipal criminals allow them.
Our athletes will be payed a purse per game while our facility's each enjoy the television ad revenue percentages defined by a network contract.
The four teams (♡◇♧♤) are owned by their sponsors, coaches, managers and players. They'll also belong to a fraternity with benefits of networking their entire lives.
The individuals who build this will cement a legacy and be the footing their future is built on.
Most importantly Jersey Handball will be fun for those who play and watch.
In order to make touch football a challenging game worth watching we've adopted many aspects of Rugby League, Gaelic Football and Australian Rules Football with a shorter much faster ball. This game will blow your mind while being a safe human chess match.
APSN
Back To Basics
Almost Pro isn't just a sloagan. It's a way of life and saves us big on everything from graphics, equipment and unnecessary bloated salaries. Remember those large orange foam windscreens on the microphones? Polyester plaid blazers? Shag carpet sets? We're bringing all of that back in a big way!
The Almost Pro Sports Network will be that clsssic trip back to the early 80's when it was really about what's important, the cheezy beer commercials.
Key Features
Always Home
All our games are at one field. The Hearts, Diamonds, Clubs and Spades don't have away uniforms. We save a ton on laundry bills. You know what it's like keeping white jerseys clean?
While everybody's always home in Jersey our side lines are labeled "This and That". This team is on that side line so that's this score up there.
Anti-Scalping
We've all seen ticket prices baloon due to those online brokers. We've figured out a solution to this problem by having a $0 entry fee. You don't pay to get in at our facility. You have to pay to get out. This feature is pure Jersey at it's finest.
SAL
SAL-8995 was the first ever A-I. SAL's programming dates all the way back to 1965. Sal was instrumental during Stanley Kubrick's partnership with the Appolo missions that led to the greatest psychological operation in world history. Kubrick could not have pulled off his production without Sal. Sal has been decommissioned and now collects all the data to get you the inside track on who might win.
Sal features several voices and can sound just like Allen Iverson when interviewing coaches during "practice".
Sustainability
You know those drone cams that give you motion sickness? Our overhead view doesn't have a power supply that requires 8 year old cobalt miners in the Congo.
Cornelius May
Cornelius May discovered South Jersey. While Henry Hudson got all the glory from finding Manhattan, Cornelius May gets over looked. May first set foot on what is today Atlantic City. So Atlantic City is really May's Landing.
Football has huge Bowl Games with millions watching. Handball will have tiny Cup games with alot of people hanging around. The Cornelius May Memorial Cup is a 110% pure 2.5 oz Silver plated pewter Dutch Ale Mug. The greatest prize in Almost Pro Sports will be handed down from each Micro-Cup Championship winning team manager unless the previous winner loses it in a card game. Then he's got to buy us a new one.
Quanco
Once your friends and family get to know our game they'll then be able to bet against you while you're playing live on TV.
In the future, 3 to 6 gamers can book a table wherein they predict future events of each offensive possession. Wrong predictions fill the pot with chips. The gamer with the fewest chips in the pot after 9 outings wins the table's buy in money.
You also can play for points at sports bars in our area.
One day Quanco tables will be available at casinos in Brisbane, Buenos Aires, Biloxi, Belfast, Birmingham and Budapest.
Season pass holders will also have the option of swapping weekends with others in time zones anywhere a Derby Handball League franchises exists. We call it "Time Share Handball". This is why the airlines, casinos and cheap motels will advertise with us.
Ground Floor
Ground Floor
Ground Floor
As you may have figured out our officials are a bunch of jokers. I'm the Head Joker upstairs. We don't even have an upstairs yet.
I wrote the game's rulebook and make all of our old time handballs because the Old Time Handball Era is right now!
You can automatically make history and be part of our first ever Hall of Fame class. You'll be the greatest American Handball players in history. You'll also be the only Handball players ever for a little while.
We also need other volunteers like one of those TikTak influenza's. I have no idea what that means but it's something to do with the Chinese innerzones. If you know one of these please tell them about us.
We also need a camera guy who's real cheap like free.
If you want to play our game contact "Grubby" or me. My email's somewhere on here. If you don't know Grubby yet don't worry you will.
If you'd like to organize one of our four teams contact me. I'll get you started.
Get in on the ground floor. You never know where a thing like this leads. Who knows? Maybe in a few years we could end up "Almost Billionaires". Specially if the Fed keeps printing money.
Hank..
Pitch-Grid Lines
Jersey-Pitch
Our field is 90 yards long by 50 yards wide with five set lines every 45 feet.
End zones beyond the try lines do vary based on which host field the grid lines are applied.
We don't need to move the other game's goal or goal posts.
End Zone Depths
• United States 45 feet
• Canada = 30 feet
• Rugby Union = 29 feet
• Ireland GAA = 42 feet
• Association 45 to 30 feet
• Rugby League = 29 feet
HENRY HANDBALL SHOPPE
Dimensions
A regulation Derby Handball is less than 10 inches long.
24.5 to 25 inches long circumference.
20.5 to 21 inches wide circumference
* All Footballs are over 11 long with a circumference ratio under 80%. Handballs have a circumference ratio over 80%
Construction
• Each ball's outer is top grain oil tanned Comanche Bison Leather backed by Dacron or Canvas.
• Each ball has an LBC "War Eagle" latex pneumatic bladder
* The Henry Handball has been clocked at 80.2 mph
STAFF
Henry S Clifton Director of Operations Atlantic.quanco@gmail.com Bill Grubb Director of Personel Wgrubby79@gmail.com
Origins
Privateer Games
Hurling Derby Handball is a blending of North American Gridiron Football, Gaelic Football, Rugby Football and Australian Rules Football using a smaller quanco or eliptical oval pneumatic leather ball. It's origins are based on field games played by pirates who sold their booty on ports in Downe Jersey during the late 17th century.
Captain William Kidd and half brother Ensign Jack Leeds commanded two crews which docked in land from Fort Nassau at Deep Fjord on Tmber's Creek not far from the village of Gloucester.
They'd trek along the Black Horse piker's path meeting where the Keys had Crossed. This was where Scotland's Run began.
Many would come from miles around to witness the spectacle wagering their silver and making merry with rum and stout.
Kidd's crews buried nine strong boxes of Spanish silver coin deep in the pine sands of Downe Jersey's swamp country. Rumors of screaming demons roaming the region were spread to keep curious eyes away
In 1909, a wooden box was unearthed near Estelle Manor. Inside were remains of a leather ball and four playing cards. A Jack of Diamonds, Ace of Spades, Queen of Hearts and King of Clubs were inside. This was known to many as a "Knave's Row" which was the name of young Jack's gallion.
